My system is infected with tiny ancient warriors?

So I was surfing a babe site the other day and my computer started flashing and beeping like, completely freaking out, and there's warnings and things loading and unloading and it's telling me to click here and click there and I'mm like totally doing WHATEVER it tells me to do because it's a computer right, it knows what it needs, and then it asks for my bank details so I figure, cool, it must want to put money in my account, right, how good is that? and stuff starts happening like everytime I do a google search I get this webpage for russian girls looking for husbands, but none of them are rats, so that's boring anyway it's like the totally most RADICAL morning of computerage I've had in ages, like some wild jelly shots ride through the Moscow metro at midnight, you know? And when it's over this virus program pops up and tells me I have trojans.

So let me get this straight. Somehow these little tiny ancient warriors like Brad Pitt (ewwwwww) have got into me and are running around in what, my blood or something, and doing who knows what in there? Like are they attacking Spartans or what is these little guys do? I wouldn't mind too much if I could say, talk to them, and ask them to like totally get rid of that itchy ass fungus stuff that keeps growing under my toe claws, because if they could do that I would be STOKED, and they could like attack it with their little swords and chase that stuff away and if they would, I would totally let them have a party in my colon because since I did the DETOX thing with Amber that is the cleanest part of me where they could live.