What is this crud in my navel?

So I´m down at the swimming pool and I peel off my T (if you just joined us, yes, I still enjoy a good swim every day and what I do, right, is I lurk in the gutters around the edge of the pool, you know, the ones where the water disappears into the filters, okay so, I hang there and then when someone swims past i sort of like, totally dart out and try and nip their heels, anyway, it is totally freaking hilarious to me) and as I peel off my T one of the other dudes, he goes, ´ewwwwww, gross WHAT IS THAT CRUD IN YOUR NAVEL MAN?´ and I look down and yeah, okay, there is this string of grey fluff hanging out of my navel and as I pull it out it just TOTALLY keeps on coming until I have this 1 inch string of crud hanging out my navel and I´m like, ´that really is gross´ and they´re all, ´no way are you getting in the pool with that navel dude´ and they chase me out of the swimming pool and I have to go home and eat like a million pringles and dwell on it. There are some radically big questions that need answering here.

I never used to have navel crud. At what age do you start to develop navel crud? And why? Like how come last year I never used to get navel crud and now I do, and also, how does it form, I mean is it crud from your tees or is it some sort of alien life form that like seeks out the warmth and humidity of navels and then in the middle of the night or when you are like otherwise occupied loving up the lady rat, does it kind of creep in there and make a nest?

I mean, you know. I was so totally completely yukked out that I shaved my entire body in order to like, totally prevent any chance that my own fur is crudding up my navel. I take this sort of thing like, serious.

Are you a neck shaver?

So there is this new hairdresser near my lair and I'm like always UP for a new experience and supporting the local economy and all that so I drop right on in there on Saturday and yeah, they have a free chair would I like a cappucino? which is a Bit of Alright by me, free cappucino and the hairdresser is this slightly Goth babe with a cute dimple and a tattoo of a star under her right eye, or it could be it was a mole, I was like totally afraid to ask in case it was one and not the other and she's probably been you know, asked, like a million times, but hey, not by this rat (I like to think it was a tattoo, but you can think whatever you want) and she puts the sheet around my neck and she's starting to ask like 'so, how do you usually have it?' and stuff and I'm like, 'Well I got it all cut off recently but that's a WHOLE other story' and she's like 'WAIT, HEY, DO YOU SHAVE YOUR NECK?' and I'm like 'What? What do you mean?' and she's all 'I MEAN DO YOU SHAVE THE BACK OF YOUR NECK WITH A RAZOR OR SOMETHING?!' and I'm like 'Yeah, you know, between visits, it gets a bit furry' and she screams 'OH WOW GUYS, WE HAVE A NECK SHAVER HERE!' and this other girl who looks like a skateboarder but in a chubby fun kind of way comes bouncing over and she's all 'EWWWW, THAT IS not A GOOD LOOK MAN' and I'm just, well, you know, trying to scrunch my head down onto my shoulders to hide my shaved neck now but it's too late, all the other customers are coming over and looking too and you can bet I'm completely and totally NEVER ever going to that place again but then I was thinking - as per usual - like am I the only one who does that?

Like if you are a few weeks overdue for a haircut and you know, your hair on your neck gets all fuzzy and you know you aren't going to be able to get a clip in the near and immediate FUTURE do you like, whip out the old Gillette and just trim those WEREWOLFY bits that grow on the sides and a bit under the hairline there, and which are like REALLY EMBARRASSING if they like merge right into your back hair without any sort of high tide line to mark the place where your neck stops and your back begins?

Or am I the only one? Or what?

テク地価各位はなその

鞍手氏らにかな墨ら母各位町背地味いといら身核にともちそくにみい
といすにら名とりんしなしいと crazy keyboard,　ら気す oh right there it is, how to turn off the katakana on this freakin thing, so...anyway...obviously I am in Tokyo. hey everybody. this is a cool place everyone is like way polite and smiley and maybe a little bit too polite and too smiley in a creep you out kind of way sometimes and last night the food i was eating kept trying to escape from the plate, but thats cool and nothing on this fr@kin keyboard is where it is supposed to be, dont expect any serious punctuation in this post alright - but anyway, i have a question. this is my question. when she found out i was coming here this way cute japanese punk babe said to me oh, hey, can you get me some coto cake its like my favorite ever in the world cake and i just cant get it over here. so im all sure babe, no problem, and shes like really grateful and i havent even got her the cake yet. and i get here, and i go into this shop called the family convenience store and im asking this no english guy do you have coto cake and hes all confused and shows me the whole shop and finally we get to the cake aisle and all the packages are in ちと市八八 ninja script so i cant find any coto cake and i keep saying coto coto coto and he finally gets it and hes all yeah here, this is the one, and i look at it and i figure no way. its like this plain vanilla sponge cake slice thing. like nothing anyone could possibly be longing for as a taste from home kind of thing. and im like no way man, this cant be coto cake and hes all yeah yeah, coto coto, so i buy a big lump of it for her and a little slice for me and i go back to my digs and i make a little espresso and i open the pack and i taste this stuff and like...wow. is it. BORING. so now i am stuck with a huge lump of this stuff and i know when i take it home she is going to look at it and go, no way, that is not coto cake you dumrian, and i aint going to get any rumpy pumpy points for all this work, which as you know, is the whole reason why we do ANYTHING for chicks, actually.

so this is my question.

at the moment i am keeping the hope alive, the little candle burning, that maybe this really is the cake she was looking for and she is going to get all emotional about it and jump me and that will be cool, but the question is, isnt it funny how the foods we grow up with, as children, those are like the BEST foods ever and someone completely different who didnt grow up with them, taste them and is all like YUK HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT CRらP but for the person whose childhood it is, they can only taste the taste of being ten years old again, and not the yuk taste.

anyway, that was my question. actually i hope she can taste the taste of being 17 again, not ten, but you know what i mean. or what. where is the question mark on this freakin keyboard地の地の熊

・
????

Why can't older women...

...play Wii? Like, my mother came down into the mancave last night and I'm down there with a friend and we have this old Wii I used to have when I was like, I don't know, younger, and we are having a real blast playing all those good old sports games and its not even HD, right, and she comes down and she's like, what are you two doing? and I am all, duh, wii? and she is oh wow i haven't seen anyone playing that for years how do you play that again and i'm like oh mom come on, and she's all come on, show me then, and so she takes the Wii thing and I put on tennis and she can seriously not even hit anything and even a total spaz can play Wii but she can't. And the whole vibe is out the window and you have to ask why did she insist when clearly she does not have the aptitude (that means ability). i mean it begs the larger question about situational appropriateness right? And it's like why do people who collect stamps, or buttons or stuff, actually try to talk about it with people who don't?

Besides she looks like totally L, right?

Or what?

This shows why dogs should rule the world...

Seriously, right? And like, apparently, I am the last person on earth to realise this is the whole point of those useless little purse dogs that have become so totally popular and now I finally understand why. Purse dogs have it all worked out.

So why do Portugese women have...

...big earrings? Like, seriously, really, big? Because I'm in Lisbon all this week and I'm out in these cafes and bars and stuff, and down by the seaside, and the beach, and just about everywhere, right, and all the ladies, and there are some really fine ladies in this town, they all have these big earrings which I haven't seen all these other places in Europe I go to, like I was in London last week and those ladies, they come in all shapes and sizes and like, colours, and with and without tattoos and with and without earrings but they are not all, you know, big earrings, they have different types, whereas here in Lisbon they are. All big, I mean.

Like, look at this random Portugese lady

And so, last night this waitress, I think she must have been Brazilian, originally, or something, because she had legs so long my nose actually only came up to her navel, and yeah, I am not a really tall guy, but I'm not a runt either, anyway, so I asked her, hey you have really big earrings, and how come all the ladies here have those? But I don't think she understood me too good, because she said 'deixar de olhar no meu peito que perverte' which of course I didn't totally understand. Except that last word. And peito. Which means bosoms. So I am still confused.

Bean dreaming

Hey Shark where you been?Oh, you know, around. It's summer so I've doing a lot of, like, guts up in the sun, hanging. And stuff.

I know.

Yeah, right? Anyway I have this question about The Bean.

Oh yeah man, The Bean. Dig the bean. Looooove the Bean man.

Who doesn't right? Can't live without The Bean. The Bean makes the world turn and burn, you know?

Totally. I totally know. But what is the question?

The question is thus. In order to make the delicious beverage which issues from The Bean, you have to put it through this inanely complicated process before you can actually, you know, imbibe. I mean, like someone had to be the first one ever to discover the process for making The Bean imbibable, right? Who, and I mean, who, thinks like that?! Like it was the Sufis, right, the Sufis who were the first ever Bean lovers, so did the Grand Mufti Sufi sitting around in his kanquah one day spy a bean on the floor and say to himself, Yay and Verily, behold this Bean. I believe it would be way righteous to take this bean, and dry it in the sun, peel off the flesh, roast it, grind it, pour boiling water on the grounds and then imbibe it. Verily, make it so.

No, I don't think so, right? So it must have happened like through thousands of years of trial and error, where first the cave men got totally desperate in a drought or something and started chowing down on these little sour red berries and got thinking, yeah, ok, they're sour but whee I get a little buzz afterward, and the good part is if you dry them out they keep a lot longer. And then after a few hundred years of that, one of the cavemen goes, he goes, like what happens if I smash the Bean and chew the small bits, oh yeah, that gives an even better buzz. But then comes the next big leap, the roasting. Like, who thought of that?! So what I'm betting is this little caveman babe had been out and collected all the Buzz Beans and dried them out one morning and then put them on a rock, to smash them into little chewy small buzz beany bits, but then a dinosaur came along and scared her off, and there they sat, roasting in the hot sun in their own Beany oils until she had eventually evaded the dinosaur and then came back to find her little stash, and hey, the Beans were all dark and roasty and yeah, They Were Good like that. Or maybe just someone dropped them in a fire by accident and fished them out next morning, like totally desperate for some Bean Chewing Goodness and discovered they were even nicer and easier chewing after a little brazing. SO then comes the awsome part. And this is where I am totally sure the Sufis come in because only the divine religious inspiration of a woolen cape wearing Sufi twirling endlessly in a Bean chewing crazed circle doing the Dikbah would give the idea of pouring boiling water on the roast Bean, adding vanilla syrup and hot frothed goat milk to it, and imbibing it.

I mean, doesn't it totally like blow your mind? Or something?

Google insider information

So tonight I went to dinner with a bunch of dudes and it was this live networking thing thing, which is like social, virtual networking, or digital, just not virtual or digital, but like, live. And so I was physically sitting next to the general manager of Google for this small European country, but he used to be VP for business development for Asia and before that he was head of neurolinguistic somethingorother, who knows, but it sounded cool. Anyway I kept asking him stuff, like innocent stuff, like what is Google's next big acquisition, stuff like that, and he's all 'are you crazy you can't ask me that' and I'm all 'I just did' and he's 'yeah and i can't believe you think I would tell you' and I'm like, 'the fact you won't tell me, in and of itself, tells me something' and then I totally put two and two together and I mean WOW I freaking worked it out, right? Asia? Neurolinguistic heuretics? Northern Europe! So I trucked home and I have taken my life savings of 4,302 dollars and Made My Play, because by my calculation the stock in this little Euro startup is going to go BUNTA anytime now and I know you know which one I mean but I can't spell it out because Google like indexes every page on the internet twenty times an hour right, and if I actually say it out LOUD then within about ten minutes my door would be kicked in by Google Ninjas and that would be the end of this beautiful story. Totally. But you heard it first here.

So why do Canadians (dot dot dot)

So now i am in Canada, no, really, I like travel A LOT ok, in Toronto actually where today was a nice 23 celsius degrees after yesterday was kinda windy but alright, anyway, so I'm wondering about stuff I saw today - is this like totally normal in Canada, or? Like EVERYONE walks around with a cup in their hand. Is there a coffee or other type of beverage in them? I don't know, or are they just walking around with empty cups in case someone offers them a beverage with conditions, like, 'you can have a hot chocolate but ONLY if you have your own cup buddy'. Or maybe if they need to pee, because they are so polite, instead of peeing in a bush they do it in the cup and then take it home and pour it in the toilet? And they put maple in EVERYTHING like in my hotel room there are maple candies and maple whisky and for breakfast maple bacon and desert maple icecream and in the bar maple beer and in this shop i visited to buy a present for my grandma they had maple flavoured condoms. And another thing, no crap. I get on one of their red street car things and I'm going for this seat and this other dude he is just in front of me and I can see we are both totally going for the SAME seat so I speed up but he is already sitting down so I slide past super rude and give him a little shoulder shove and completely ROB him of the seat, so badly he should have punched me right on the schnozz but no, instead he says, 'sorry dude' even though I made HIM spill the beverage he was carrying. Or maybe it was pee. There's heaps of other stuff too, like Justin Bieber, but maybe I should stop.

Uncool things to do on the john

So I'm in Scandinavia at the moment and they have this totally relaxed attitude to the human body and nakidity and stuff and these unis?x toilets for guys and girls together at the office and i walk into the toilet today and there is this blonde lady like, didn't lock the door, sitting there, pants around her ankles and she screams at me and I scream at her and i get out of there tutti frooty ok, and after, she comes up to me and goes oh my god how embarrassing, and i'm all yeah, oh my god, right, and she's all i can't believe you caught me talking on the phone while i was on the toilet.

And i was thinking, hey, what phone, all i saw was your wotsy girl. But that's so totally scandinavian not to worry about her wotsy but get embarrased about the phone.

And then i was thinking hey i bet everyone talks on the phone on the john these dsys, and other stuff, like ipads and stuff you know, so what, and this is my question, what is not kosher to do while on a john these days? If anything?

It gets worse

I'm addicted.

Now, see what I mean?

http://goofygifs.com...nake-tongue.gif

 

Hot nerdy chick pictures

So the other day i caught my buddy like totally surfing amok on my IPad and I'm like dude, that's my Pad and he's all, yeah so what I'm just checking out hot nerdy chicks and i'm all ewwww not on my pad man and he's like what, you got something against hot nerdy chicks, and i'm a bit naiive i guess so i'm like what, is there a website or something called hotnerdychicks.com and he's so, oh, man, annoying, with his, 'duh, dude hot nerdy chicks isn't a website, it's an artform?' and i'm totally yeah i knew that, but so here i am checking it out with you guys because did you know about this hot nerdy chick phenomenon? Or what?

Like, here...

 

Oh, wow

I was going to write something pithy but I like really, really, really really really, really really really really, REALLY, really, really really really, really really really really, like TOTALLY, have to strangle a python right now.

Later.

Are you a neck shaver?

So there is this new hairdresser near my lair and I'm like always UP for a new experience and supporting the local economy and all that so I drop right on in there on Saturday and yeah, they have a free chair would I like a cappucino? which is a Bit of Alright by me, free cappucino and the hairdresser is this slightly Goth babe with a cute dimple and a tattoo of a star under her right eye, or it could be it was a mole, I was like totally afraid to ask in case it was one and not the other and she's probably been you know, asked, like a million times, but hey, not by this rat (I like to think it was a tattoo, but you can think whatever you want) and she puts the sheet around my neck and she's starting to ask like 'so, how do you usually have it?' and stuff and I'm like, 'Well I got it all cut off recently but that's a WHOLE other story' and she's like 'WAIT, HEY, DO YOU SHAVE YOUR NECK?' and I'm like 'What? What do you mean?' and she's all 'I MEAN DO YOU SHAVE THE BACK OF YOUR NECK WITH A RAZOR OR SOMETHING?!' and I'm like 'Yeah, you know, between visits, it gets a bit furry' and she screams 'OH WOW GUYS, WE HAVE A NECK SHAVER HERE!' and this other girl who looks like a skateboarder but in a chubby fun kind of way comes bouncing over and she's all 'EWWWW, THAT IS not A GOOD LOOK MAN' and I'm just, well, you know, trying to scrunch my head down onto my shoulders to hide my shaved neck now but it's too late, all the other customers are coming over and looking too and you can bet I'm completely and totally NEVER ever going to that place again but then I was thinking - as per usual - like am I the only one who does that?

Like if you are a few weeks overdue for a haircut and you know, your hair on your neck gets all fuzzy and you know you aren't going to be able to get a clip in the near and immediate FUTURE do you like, whip out the old Gillette and just trim those WEREWOLFY bits that grow on the sides and a bit under the hairline there, and which are like REALLY EMBARRASSING if they like merge right into your back hair without any sort of high tide line to mark the place where your neck stops and your back begins?

Or am I the only one? Or what?

How to kill 3 hours in economy class, without like, a book

So I'm on this three hour flight and I'm sitting in economy and I'm like wedged in between these two portly dudes but that's cool, I don't need much elbow room, because it isn't like I'm going to read some big ass coffee table book, right, I can't even turn the pages it's so big...no I have my POD with me and how cool is that because you can read books on your POD, like even with your elbows tight in against your sides in economy class you can flick the screen and turn the pages and its dead easy EXCEPTOMUNDO, right, I get in there and I pull out my POD and I'm like, yeah man, long flight, gonna really settle in and read this book, loving that idea, and everything, and I go to turn it on and the bastard POD is dead. Major fail there Mr Jobs, I mean, what good is a book where the battery runs out, I'm asking, and I'm panicking now because it's like a three hour flight right, and my POD is dead, and the two portly dudes on either side of me arent interested in talking to me, because like, they're so totally obsessed with their old fashioned paper booky books, right, like BOOOOOORING! Right? And I'm like, OK, I'll read the in flight magazine except there isn't one, is there? Oh NO, this is economy class, there is like only one magazine between about 50 people and it's somewhere down the back of the plane, is my guess. But there is this menu card, you can order snacks, and I get this idea...right, this is my idea...I'll order one of EVERYTHING on the menu card and then I'll read the packaging! How totally amazing an idea was that huh? So the lady comes and I say to her, 'yeah, I'd like to have the pringles - chocolate - muffin - chicken wrap - cola - beer - M&M - bread stix - salad inna box COMBO thankyou very much' lady and she's all, 'you can't eat all that!' and I'm like 'I know, I just want to read it, duh', and she's totally 'whatever' and loads it all onto my tray and so I start reading the packages and hey, you know, I really LEARNED some stuff, like here's one, did you know why TOBLERONES have those little pointy triangles? I can tell you. I read it on the packet, right...they are made in...have you guessed it yet...ok they are made in SWITZERLAND! Right? Get it. Yeah, because Switzerland has all these triangle shaped towns called cantons and that's why TOBLERONES are triangle shaped, because canton must be swiss for like, triangle or something. And something else I want to know. I got this bread roll and butter and one of those small containers with jelly or jam or marmalade whatever you call it and the stuff was called like 'Portnoy's Fruit of the Forest Conserve' and I'm all 'HEEEEEYYYYY wait a minute'. I mean I've been in a lot of forests in my life, and I never saw no fruit in no damn forest and I would of noticed if I had. I'm not talking berries, right because there's berries in forests, anyone knows, but what type of weird ass fruit do you find in a forest?!

No way was I eating that.

And then on this muffin, on the packet, there is this line and it says 'This delicious food item is brought to you by CONTINENTAL. If you would like to get the recipe for this delicious food item just visit www.continental.com/recipes' and now I'm thinking get out of here! I mean REALLY, what kind of sad ass individual, goes to the website of an airline, looking for recipes?!

Anyway I'm on this website right, and it's actually quite cool, there's this game where you have to find out how many different types of dinner you can make with just chicken and rice and I'm up to like, about 100 already, and I haven't even been really trying, not really. And then you can share your score on facebook. That's the new millenium, right there. Right. There.

My system is infected with tiny ancient warriors?

So I was surfing a babe site the other day and my computer started flashing and beeping like, completely freaking out, and there's warnings and things loading and unloading and it's telling me to click here and click there and I'mm like totally doing WHATEVER it tells me to do because it's a computer right, it knows what it needs, and then it asks for my bank details so I figure, cool, it must want to put money in my account, right, how good is that? and stuff starts happening like everytime I do a google search I get this webpage for russian girls looking for husbands, but none of them are rats, so that's boring anyway it's like the totally most RADICAL morning of computerage I've had in ages, like some wild jelly shots ride through the Moscow metro at midnight, you know? And when it's over this virus program pops up and tells me I have trojans.

So let me get this straight. Somehow these little tiny ancient warriors like Brad Pitt (ewwwwww) have got into me and are running around in what, my blood or something, and doing who knows what in there? Like are they attacking Spartans or what is these little guys do? I wouldn't mind too much if I could say, talk to them, and ask them to like totally get rid of that itchy ass fungus stuff that keeps growing under my toe claws, because if they could do that I would be STOKED, and they could like attack it with their little swords and chase that stuff away and if they would, I would totally let them have a party in my colon because since I did the DETOX thing with Amber that is the cleanest part of me where they could live.